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Can Borderlines be intimate?

I've thought quite a bit about this and asked myself this question quite a bit -- can you be intimate with a borderline?

Before we move too far down this path. Let's define intimacy. We all think that intimacy is sex, but that's not *true* intimacy. Anyone can have sex, particularly the sex that one has on pornographic movies where people are treated as objects.

Miriam-Webster defines intimacy as, "belonging to or characterizing one's deepest nature." This is what I'm addressing. While many think that sex is one's deepest nature, prostitutes, pornography and other avenues clearly show that this is not the case. Being truly intimate with others means that you must make yourself vulnerable.

Being Vulnerable
As someone who makes myself vulnerable to others, I now open myself up to being hurt, abused, treated poorly.

If I'm vulnerable to others, I also open myself up to being loved, treated with amazing respect and reverence, and held in high regard.

For many, being vulnerable is difficult, but if they understand how great the payoff, they would do it more often.

Borderlines loathe themselves, so they won't go beyond the surface with others. They do not want others to know their deepest thoughts and desires because they are so confused, so conflicted and so lost. They cannot make themselves vulnerable, because that fear of abandonment is such a strong motivator for them that they will not go there.

The Borderline's Mirror
The biggest problem with being in a relationship with a borderline is that they make you feel like you are intimate with them. You very well may be intimate with them. This is how they get you. You tell them your deepest dreams, desires and longings, and they mirror these back to you, validating that they too want the same things as you. You suddenly feel like you've met your soul mate.

With my ex BPD, she liked everything that I did:
- She liked the drinks that I drank
- She liked her food cooked the same way
- She liked the same types of houses and decorating
- She liked to ski
- She liked the same music


The list goes on. She wanted to retire in the same place as me, would go fishing with me...you can see the pattern here.


This is how things seemed initially. Over time, she began resenting going fishing with me, would fight with me on the way to the ski slope about everything and anything, and caused constant turmoil.

In the end, the Borderline Mirror is just Smoke and Mirrors. "

Anonymous comment
"This blog is a Godsend. Thanks for taking the time and energy to share your experiences.

I am in month three of BPD relationship recovery. Had I known more about it, or even that it existed, I would have used more trepidation while entering my previous relationship.

My first date with this girl was great, but I was picking up strange vibes from day one. She would speak very quickly, moving from topic to topic, manic-like. It was all I could do to listen, try and keep up and take mental notes as to not seem forgetful and uninterested. I chalked it up to her being excited to be with me.

After that first date she inundated me with email and texts. They were all very candid, heartfelt, and flattering. She divulged information regarding her dark, traumatic past, and even though these should have been cues for me to stay away, my internal knight-in-shining-armor and stable upbringing convinced me to believe I could save her and show her the good life.

Ignoring the alarm signals going off in the back of my mind, I moved in with this girl rather quickly. She showered me with attention, flattery and great sex. She said I was "the guy she saw in her dreams", that we were "destined to be together" and that our relationship had been a "self-manifestation of love". I thought to myself "man, she is pouring it on thick", but what was I to do, tell her to stop? Even though I knew it was over the top, she was sucking me further into her twisted void emotional non-existence.

Despite my ignorance of BPD, I was familiar with and coincidentally actively studying multiple personality disorder when I met her. After I moved in she agreed to disclose her past more intimately and what she revealed was riddled with extremely sad traumatic experiences at the hands of her father and ex-lovers. At this point, all of my self-preserving rationality was circumvented by the idea of helping this wounded soul.

After a short honeymoon phase the negative side of BPD behavior started to appear. Unrealistic jealousy, mood swings, constant texts and clinging. She had to be with me as often as possible, and while it seemed endearing, all of the attention she demanded sucked the energy right out of me.

After about a month, my internal cautionary voice was screaming for me to reconsider my stance in the relationship, but it was too late. It was if I was caught in a tractor beam that I could not break free of.

Being the level-headed, emotionally sound anchor of the couple, I had somehow convinced myself that I was impervious to the emotional abuse I was subjected to. I kept looking forward to the moment somewhere over the rainbow when our conflicts would subside, our differences would be mended, and we would be dancing in a field of daisies like we had at the beginning of the relationship.

After a couple of more months of miscommunication, guilt trips and emotional outbursts, the moment somewhere over the rainbow arrived in the form of her cheating on me with her ex-boyfriend, the result of "my" oppressive control over "her". She actually blamed me for her infidelity.

It was then that all the suppressed emotional reactions within me burst out in an unhealthy form. It was if my inner voice was laughing at me, saying, "See? I told you to stay away!".

So much of what I read in this blog is as if it was carbon-copied straight from my experience with this woman - the great cuddling (she would insist that I held her every night), exaggerated mirroring (she would even state that we were reflections of each other), development of unique communication practices (something I now believe was a means for her to be assured that I was mirroring HER). The great deception for me was how she handled herself in public and amongst her trusted peers - very charming, friendly, albeit somewhat attention-seeking and conversation dominating.

Although the relationship was relatively short, I experienced severe mental and emotional damage, most of which centers around the idea of "how could I have been so open, loving, and available to someone who dropped me like a stale half-eaten sandwich?". This being the first experience of its kind for me, I am posed with the odd circumstance of making myself not love someone anymore when in some sick way I still do, or did. It's just so out of character for me to not care about people. Having to force myself to ignore someone I cared so much about is perplexing, despite the obvious logical rationale. It'd be nice if there was a memory data-bank switch that could be @!@@@! to help forget the entire experience, because, ultimately, it is the endearing memories, coupled with the retro-analytical nature of figuring out just what really happened during certain "dubious" verbal communes that make healing seem to take longer than it needs.
(PRO)
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